PLANET OF THE LOST (6): Beware of Sleestak [a field guide to evolution]

Will and Holly debate if they should take the advice of graffiti in the Land of the Lost.


“The man who never alters his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind.”

William Blake


Yep, I’m jumping ahead on my Lost series before even getting to part 2 of my Kamikaze post. But I needed to tackle something that didn’t depress me….    

….yet oddly enough may have been keeping me depressed.

In simple terms, I possibly need to get a lizard off my back.

No, no, I’m not a reptilian. Or controlled by one.

At least I don’t think so.

Hmmm… Or am I?

Because I’m thinking with my current situation maybe a scaly one has sunk it’s metaphysical claws into my lower chakra and hoisted itself up to whisper in my ear and seduce my survival instinct.

The biggest clue that your actions may not be your own is if you have stress, anxiety, fear, depression or the like dominating your life. It means something’s pushing your reptilian button:

But that begs the question: What is this whole reptilian “thing” about?

Do I have something independently and paranormally reptilian influencing my behavior? Why are people appearing to shapeshift into reptilian like features on live TV? Why is there such a dominance of reptilian imagery and references throughout human history (most often associated with the evil ones controlling us)?

Our “history” began with a god, a garden, two humans, and a snake.

Who are the reptilians?

Are they shapeshifting aliens?

Are they demons?

Are they the descendents of dinosaurs? 

I’m going to answer that question with an odd theory I have about humanity, which I haven’t really heard anywhere else:

We are the reptilians.

Allow me to explain…

This doesn’t mean that non-human reptilian entities don’t exist.  They do, and in more than one form.

But it does mean that we have the DNA capability to be reptilians, and quite possibly that is the ultimate degeneration/de-evolution agenda of the evil shapers of our reality: To make us as reptilian as possible.

But looking reptilian is simply a result of all the reptilian influences “they” are inundating us with. It’s like the closed DNA codes for “reptilian” in human beings are being stimulated back into opening up sporadically.

I feel this correlates with the “shapeshifting” phenomenon we are starting to see with people on TV, which may be some sort of dimensional bleed-through revealing a reptilian form that person is projecting. 

And, to be honest, I have absolutely no understanding of the last sentence I just wrote. Dimensional bleed-through? WTF is that? I don’t know, but it just sounds like the closest thing my brain can understand when confronted by people whose faces do some really freaky things on live TV. And it’s not just TV… it’s movies and videotape as well.

Here, check out this still frame from a recording studio videotape of Paul McCartney’s face quickly morphing into something not so “fab”:

People might instantly assume this is a result of video blur [and this sentence isn’t finished but I really wanted everyone to pay attention to the second half] without checking the video out for themselves [and I will leave that up to each and every one of you… just YouTube something like “McCartney shapeshift”, and you’ll see how it’s not so simple as video blur.] 

living tiki personal note: Paul McCartney was it. Paul was the issue that made me stand up and say; That’s it, I’ve had it with this bullshit engineered reality and it’s stupid mind games. You see, up until that exact moment which happened about a year and a half ago, I KNEW the Beatles were manufactured bullshit but I didn’t believe it, because I still enjoyed their music and admired John Lennon. Oh sure, I would tell everyone that the entire sixties movement was completely engineered to sidetrack a growing spirituality in humanity, and that the evil ones were responsible for the sex (creating a new sexual psychology), drugs (the CIA creating and distributing LSD), and rock-and-roll (mind controlled bands like the Beatles). But then what would I do? Go home and listen to a goddamn Beatles CD! I was a fucking idiot tool. That was, until I randomly happened across a website where someone was actually paying attention and decided to examine the “myth” about Paul dying and being replaced by a doppelganger. He just simply compared “old” Paul to “new” Paul in appearance, voice, and musical ability. THEY’RE NOT THE SAME FUCKING PERSON. At that moment, my brain finally comprehended that the Beatles are no better than the Backstreet Boys: A mind-control joke, with myself as the punchline. They replaced one of the most popular figures of modern music history [They even told me they did it!] but they knew I would be idiotic enough not to examine it for myself and know the truth. And I would still continue listening to their mind-control. Hmm… but no longer.

Ever wonder why Beatles songs resonate with people all over the world? There you go.

By the way, has anybody also noticed how Paul McCartney looks a lot like Count Chocula?


Except in Japan where he looks, um, he’s um…

Count Chocenberry… what?

OK, Japan, I’m going to leave you alone for awhile because your children are now starting to have nosebleeds, diarrhea, and lethargy due to some evil bastards apparently wanting to completely eradicate your people and culture from this planet (click below for story from a Japanese newspaper):

Radiation in Japan affecting children near Fukushima

I was amazed that some of the comments posted to the above article were not very sympathetic towards the Japanese. Amazed, but not surprised:

Not everyone likes Japan.

They have no friends.

Lets invade!

OK, lets not go overboard here.

These are illustrations by Korean children as part of a elementary school project a while ago (before the tsunami). I’m not sure why they had a ‘Show your hate towards Japan’ art project, but it illustrates the manipulation of us (humanity) to all hate each other for some stupid reason or another. This topic will be covered soon in Part 2 of my Kamikaze post, but it could also be considered part of the manipulation to make us more reptilian. In the words of Yoda (a little green man): “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Confused about all this? So am I. Hopefully both of us won’t be after I’m done with the Sleestak. I’m making Part 6 a small series unto itself to review this information in a timely fashion as well as examine the various reptilian influences in my own life. And hopefully eliminate them.

I like being a mammal. Mammals snuggle.

And reptiles don’t have breasts.

Hmmm… Or do they?

Statue from the Ubaid culture, which existed in Iraq circa 5000 b.c.

Well, OK, maybe they have to “acquire” them first:

Victoria Beckham, sleestak spice and the antithesis of Jane Seymour.

Is it me, or does Victoria always look angry and/or annoyed?

So do her breasts:

Watch out man, they’ll cut you!

At the very least my female readers will learn why supermodels look the way they do – Hint… it’s not because they’re trying to look sexy, unless sexy is slang for starving:

Sidebone is hot!

Nonetheless, before I officially begin this post (i.e., when the alcohol buzz wears off), allow me to briefly make some sense of the order of my PLANET  OF THE LOST series:

Part (1) – An overview

Parts (2) – Examining the extraterrestrial presence

Parts (3) – Mu and it’s destruction

Parts (4) – Atlantis and it’s destruction

Parts (5) – Not sure, because I really wanted the reptilian posts to be…

Parts (6) – Reptilians (just so I could have a part 6.66)

Parts (7) – End times BS and the current destruction of our planet

Part (8) – Summary. How to live in the PLANET OF THE LOST.

Now then…

I’m going to kick my statement about “we are the reptilians” up a notch by hypothesizing yet another theory that I haven’t really heard anywhere else….

This would be a working hypothesis (but with oddly supportive evidence):


Humanity is starting to display reptilian characteristics and behavior because our evolutionary ancestors were not primates. They were the dinosaurs.

Um… what?

Yeah, I had the same reaction.

To under overstand where we’re at, we first have to know where we’ve been.

So lets take a trip back in time….

First to the Age of Dinosaurs:

But only just to show you this picture of dinos doin’ it (Tee hee! He’s getting tail.)

And now let’s go a bit further back in time…

to the Age of Monsters:

Despite the BBC being the media of Queen El-lizard-birth, I thought they did a splendid job producing a mini-series called Walking With Monsters: Life Before Dinosaurs.

It’s (obviously) about the strange creatures that came before the dinosaurs and how they evolved into the creatures we have today (including us). The filmmakers presented their information like a nature documentary, recreating how these animals might have looked and behaved 200-500 million years ago (For reference, the dinosaurs supposedly died out 65 mya.) They also depicted pre-history like an evolutionary war between species: “…but who would inherit this blue planet?”

age of volcanoes fun fact: The shark in the hyneria’s mouth is called stethacanthus [steth-a-KAN-thus]. It lived during the Devonian Period, 370-350 million years ago. Scientists speculate it developed the “conning tower” on it’s head just to look more badass (OK, maybe that’s just me speculating. But I think my opinion is spot-on considering stethacanthus was only about the size of a German shepherd.)

However, considering Walking With Monsters started out with only one theory about how the Moon was formed (which doesn’t explain all the oddities about the Moon), the evolutionary information presented is probably assuredly suspect as well.

Evolution sure can’t seem to get it’s story straight….

  Here are two coelacanths [ko-EL-a-kanth]. The top one is currently swimming off the coast of Indonesia. The bottom one lived (and supposedly died out) 360 million years ago.

Believe it or not, it also appears our human ancestors may have walked with dinosaurs….

I will get to that strangeness in the next post, but while watching Walking With Monsters, I took notice of an odd bit of synchromystism:

This is mesothelae [me-so-THEE-lay], a little larger than a gecko and one of the first reptiles which emerged during the Caboniferous Period 300 mya.

It is also considered one of humanity’s evolutionary “ancestors”:

Mesothelae’s nemesis was a spider the size of a human head called megarachne [meg-a-RACK-nay]:

During the BBC series depiction of the evolutionary “battle” for survival between these two creatures [Who has the advantage?], the narrator says a curious thing [As part of a promo for the next episode] right when the spider is looming above the lizard, ready to attack:

“The war for the world is about to begin again.”

Hmmm… why did that scene look and sound so familiar?

(Edward Gorey, you rock! Only you could have illustrated this story.)

Was H.G. Wells drawing upon some really repressed memories?

  Even Steven Spielberg emphasized the spider-like qualities of the tripods by having them extract the blood from humans and spraying a red web substance all over the place.

And, of course, he also needed to throw in some Planet X BS for the ad campaign:

But personally I think the only reason he made that film was to live his dream of directing the great thespian, Tom Cruise.

Now that’s the look of love. Tom sure knows how to grip a microphone.

And humanity sure is freaked out about giant spiders.

Giant ants… who cares? Giant scorpions… get me a giant shoe. But giant spiders…

(I’m wondering who thought this ad needed David Arquette’s goofy face bigger than the actual subject of the film.)

And if you’re wondering, “Hey, wasn’t William Shatner in Tarantula?” No, that was Kingdom Of The Spiders:

(This is the greatest image of William Shatner. Ever.)

But Shatner did have a close encounter of the reptilian kind:

No means no, Gorn!

Lastly (but not leastly), let’s not forget the coolest episode of Jonny Quest:

And when this thing was done being a giant robot spider, it transformed into what……?

Anyone, anyone?

A UFO! How freakin’ cool is that?!

Well, maybe not so cool when I re-examined this cartoon I loved so much…

Say, Jonny, do you like gladiator films? I and your father sure do.

Whoops, must have fallen asleep on the beach! How’s about you and Hadji help Uncle Race slather on some soothing aloe vera?

It is becoming alarmingly apparent that almost every cartoon series made for children has been a con, intended to mind control or socially engineer them before they’ve even had a chance to define and be themselves.

Young men, don’t let the adventure coolness lure you in.

Or the episode titles:

This episode is not about finding a cheap slut. Liars!

Wait… what the hell was this post about? Oh yeah…

But lets get back again to the Age of Monsters, and examine how the little lizard mesothelae eventually became us, and subsequently imprinted our consciousness with a bad case of arachnophobia…

Because when you simplify reality, the story of evolution does seem to be an ongoing battle for dominance of this world between five animal “Kingdoms”: Arthropods, Fish, Amphibians, Reptiles, and Mammals.

(I know, I know… it’s the wrong use of the animal classification system. They all fall under “Kingdom Anamalia”. But hey, is my name Dr. the living tiki, PHD ? No. Deal with it.)

But little do all these creatures know that they are essentially the same creature evolving, observing, and interacting with itself subjectively….



DISCLAIMER: That means you’re getting information from someone who calls himself the living tiki. I’m no Charles Darwin or Jane Goodall by any means, but I do enjoy learning about pre-history. However, since I’ve come to regard “history” as “some bullshit story”, I am starting to consider that pre-history has been lied about as well, and that it should be examined under a critical eye. Think about what you know of the history of planet Earth before humanity evolved. I asked some friends and co-workers what they knew of pre-history. Guess what the main source was of the information they were referencing – movies. [Yes, yes I know Walking With Monsters is a “movie” too, but yet how many of you out there also read Prehistoric Times? Hmm? Didn’t think so. Yes, it’s a real magazine. A real awesome magazine.] I feel humanities’ collective memory is being screwed around with. I will attempt to change that.

Once upon a time there was a big ball of hot rock in space revolving around an even bigger ball of hot gas. [Somewhere along the way the big ball of rock also acquired a moon.]

Then [CLASSIFIED] happened and it produced oceans and life.

Simple organisms exploded into complex ones, and Mother Earth started having her Periods:

The Cambrian Period:

[543-490 million years ago]

Arthropods Rule!

Nothing lives on land during this Period, but in the oceans animal life took two routes: Either vertebrates, for greater evolutionary development such as the primitive backbone in little pre-fish haikuichthys [hi-koo-ICK-thees] here:

And pikaia:

Pikaia fossils:

Or invertebrates (like arthropods), taking that Period’s current evolutionary advantage with hard-shell armor plating to scare the crap out of the soft-bodied creatures:

This five eyed arthropod is called an opabin, and I’ve decided it’s the coolest animal this planet has produced. C’mon, you know you want one:

Although a good runner up is the creature in the bottom right, if anything simply because of it’s name:


Sadly though, everyone always loves the trillobites. They’re like the penquins of the Cambrian.

Hmm…. commiserating a past life?

But then the pre-fish started developing advancements such as complex brains with memory, so they’d remember the places arthropods didn’t hang around.

The Silurian Period:

[443-417 million years ago]

Arthropods still rule!

As the pre-fish evolved, so did the arthropods, and this Period became the world championship smackdown to determine who had what it took to advance to the next level of Earth Idol.

Meanwhile, some plants stated growing along the edges of the seas:

Cooksonia, the first land plant.

Haikuichthys evolved into this fellow, cephalaspis [kep-fal-LASS-pis]:

He developed the hard-shell “hockey mask” to defend against the arthropods, who chose the evolutionary route of:

“How can we scare the crap out of the fish even more?”

This is brontoscorpio, a meter long scorpion with a stinger the size of a lightbulb. Ironically, brontoscorpio may have been the first ever creature to walk out of the ocean onto dry land utilizing rudimentary lungs [The “fish with legs” scenario won’t happen until the next Period.]

The cephalopods (mollusks) tried to dominate and out cool everybody during the Silurian with huge cameroceras here, but nobody seemed to notice or care:

But chicks dig cameroceras.

The Devonian Period:

[417-354 million years ago]

Fish rule!

The arthropods realized they were at an evolutionary dead-end and gave up. Even though they were the first on dry land, the atmosphere just couldn’t support their exoskeletons. This made them shrink and adapt into something new: insects

But our fish ancestors kept evolving, and finally grew a set of legs…

And the amphibians were born.

But that was probably only to escape the other fish who, instead of legs, decided the best route was to grow really big to scare the crap out of the smaller fish.

Chicks dig Dunkleosteus [dun-klee-os-TAY-us].

There were so many fish in the Devonian Period, it’s often called “The Age of Fish”. But the plants flourished as well, taking advantage of nothing living on dry land yet to eat them. (Although the amphibian hynerpeton in the background of this illustration is currently saying to himself, “Why the hell am I still looking for food in the water? There’s anvil-head sharks in there!”

The Carboniferous Period:

[350-290 million years ago]

Arthropods rule again!

Plant life went crazy and turned our entire planet into a vast swamp forest.

The Carboniferous is my most favorite Period.

It really is quite mysteriously beautiful. Very reminiscent of Dagobah from Star Wars. And to quote Luke:

“It’s like something out of a dream.”

You could say this period is “The Arthropods Strike Back”. You see, all those trees (actually more like giant ferns) with nothing to eat them started pumping out enormous quantities of oxygen – Hence, amphibians like hynerpeton could breathe. But that also allowed the new land dwelling arthropods (insects) to grow big. Really big.

Yep, you guessed it: Scare the crap out big.

Like our giant spider nemesis, megarachne:

Or arthropluera:

Chicks dig arthropluera.

Or meganura, a dragonfly the size of an eagle.

And, for some reason (maybe because they were freaking out about the arthropods gaining a foothold again), the fish decided to go really nuts with evolutionary development….

Like iniopteryx here:

It’s called overkill, fish dude. Lets just settle down, alright?

You too helicorpion. What the helicorpion is that thing? You’re like a Tim Burton party favor.

The amphibians tried to be badass and rule the Carboniferous, such as with ichthyostega [ick-thee-o-STEG-ah]:

But when you’re confronted with millipedes larger than you, you tend to turn tail and go back in the water.

This was also the Period where reptiles were born, like little hylonomus here:

You see, the amphibians started realizing that laying their soft-shell eggs in water was just an “all you can eat” buffet for the fish, so they opted to lay them on land, with a hard shell, and a creature inside who would stay on dry land.

The Permian Period:

[290-248 million years ago]

Reptiles rule!

Mother Earth decided the swamp forests of the Carboniferous were making her hair too frizzy (So she got a perm! Get it? PERMian? Paleontology is punny, OK I’ll stop) so she made a few changes, like the planet’s climate getting a bit cooler. And with a bunch of different animals exhaling carbon dioxide (I’m sure some volcanoes helped as well), the atmosphere lost it’s oxygen saturation along with it’s giant insects (arthropods lose again!).

And the reptiles started experimenting with body types other than just lizard:

Forests started growing with the first conifers, and reptiles decided to kick things up a notch with the hint of a new evolutionary path paleontologists like to call…

Mammal-like reptiles

Well, actually paleontologists get all hoidy-toidy with the term “Reptile-like synapsids.” But we’ll get back to these edaphosaurus in a moment….

The Permian Period started out OK, but then got into some trouble. Primarily, the continents started colliding with each other and created Pangea: [Hmm… kind of oddly translates into “Pan’s Earth”]

That eventually created this huge desert in the middle of it which started killing off a bunch of species….

The arthropods were fine with that, since it was a feast for insects while the rest of them mostly lived in the ocean.

But of course the amphibians were freaked out and started coming up with evolutionary designs to compensate and survive, like diplocaulus:

Weird, but still a good try diplocaulus.

And the cephalopods tried to at least be cool by evolving into the nautilus

Hey everyone, look at us now! Pretty cute, huh?

Yeah, nobody cares cephalopod! Get back to us when you grow a torso!

Well, fine then. We’ll just keep the secret of the universe to ourselves, fuck you very much.

age of volcanoes fun fact: Cephalopod literally means “head-foot”.

However, the reptiles were able to survive and dominate due to their ability to live in desert-like conditions, especially an animal I like to call the “turtle-cow”, lystrosaurus [lis-tro-SORE-us]:

Lysrtosaurus would come along near the end of the Permian and the beginning of the Triassic, evolving from a little burrowing reptile able to survive the mass extinction as a result of the arid, hot and cold conditions. Right before the dinosaurs, lystrosaurus would rule planet Earth, it’s species alone making up 75% of all the animal life on Earth.

No other single species has been this successful. Not even us.

Now lets get back to the reptiles saying to themselves, “Hey wait a minute, we rule planet Earth! Let’s evolve into something even better and cooler before all the other animal species try again.”

They tried variations called synapsids:

They tried variations called therapsids (am I sounding like Dr. Suess here?):


But the main point is that they were all headed towards becoming mammals, like edaphosaurus:

The sail fin on edaphosaurus was used to regulate body temperature in the swinging climate of the Permian. Other mammal-like features and behavior reptiles displayed were scent glands, whiskers, canines (saber-teeth), moving in herds, being primarily herbivores, and protecting/nurturing their young.

Panther-like euchambersia:


Yet there were reptiles during the Permian that liked being reptiles. And they knew the way to dominate was to scare the crap out of all the other reptiles:

Meet dimetrodon [di-MEH-tro-don]. Way before the dinosaurs, he would be Earth’s first badass.

Did Land of the Lost have a dimetrodon?

You bet: Torchy!

Watch out, Chaka!

Although, in reality, dimetrodons only wished they could breathe fire.

The Triassic Period

[248-206 million years ago]

Reptiles Dinosaurs rule!

Yep, here’s where the dinosaurs took over. What gave them the advantage? Well, aside from the massive species die off near the end of the Permian (hence lystrosaurus was able to take over, be fruitful and multiply unmolested), one of the main reasons was because of this little fellow, euparkaria:

This little bug-eating reptile did something no other species did before….

He stood up.

Because the flying bugs were the tastiest, euparkaria’s attempts to snatch them mid-flight caused him to develop a unique hip-joint where he could walk upright.

And the dinosaurs (dino-erectus?) were born.

Grumpy and Big Alice don’t like each other in the Land of the Lost.

Now here’s where pre-history gets confusing:

[Simplified] Dinosaurs ruled for around 150 million years, then an asteroid hit and wiped them out, and then we never ever saw or heard from them again. Ever.

But the mammal-like reptiles (synapsids) were able to survive and evolve during the Permian, Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous.  Then an asteroid hit and they took over, eventually becoming us.


Then what’s this all about?

And this?

A stone carved by the Incas, one of dozens depicting dinosaurs.

(Well, actually we aren’t too sure who carved the “Ica stones” or when. They just depict Inca and Aztec men. But they also depicted surgeons and astronomers performing advanced tasks, as well as star and land maps.)

I will answer those questions in my next reptilian posting (aww… sorry!)

In the interim, you can ponder these other questions:

Why does the Shamwow© guy look like a velociraptor?

And why so do supermodels?

Damn, that’s sexy! (That is, if  “sexy” now means “scaring the crap out of me.”)

But until then, here’s Sleestak Spice with her reptilian authority hat and “eat you alive” sexy, sexy look:

(I’d take that literally guys. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t risk putting anything of mine in her mouth.)

Oh wait, here’s one for the ladies:

Well, at least Indian ladies, who apparently are so out-of-synch as to what’s hip and beautiful that they need a European with something out of the Cambrian on her head to tell them.

To be continued in PLANET OF THE LOST (6.5): Di-no-mite!


Cnidarians rule, bitches!

~ by the living tiki on July 17, 2011.

4 Responses to “PLANET OF THE LOST (6): Beware of Sleestak [a field guide to evolution]”

  1. Awesome and hilarious work you’re doing here.

  2. Seek professional help.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: